just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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