Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
