I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
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I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
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what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....