Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
