Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
