I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
