we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
