Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
