there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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