Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
