According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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