The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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