this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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