Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
