I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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