broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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