The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
