Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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