his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
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Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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