How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Who died my cat blue again?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
