Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
