Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
