my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
