my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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