I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
