I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
