I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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