He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
