I cannot find my penis.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Boobs are out for the taking
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
