Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
