I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
