am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
