Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
