I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I looked at my own cervix.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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