the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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