who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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