NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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