Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
