3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
