i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
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he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire