Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Sorry about my life...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire