So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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