Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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