dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
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I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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