In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
