he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
