Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
