yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
