Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
