Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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