Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
