Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
