don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
