My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
