he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
